Spoiler alerts

I'm at my Nana's right now trying to work on my lit review. I have a section to add that's proving to be uninteresting and a bit of a pain. We're toggling back and forth between movies: A Star is Born and a schmaltzy Christmas movie. Nana is a living spoiler alert. She's seen both movies and is more than happy to pre-narrate events. It's comforting and a little annoying... Maybe we don't always want to know what's going to happen next. Maybe all of my worrying about the future is what's holding me back. Maybe I need to relish in the unknown.

Crying wolf

I'm super tired of trying to be done and keep having to push the date back. I'm looking at a May graduation date if I can get this lit review done and this data analyzed. My goal is to have a draft of the dissertation in before the end of this semester. I don't know if it's doable, but I'm trying.

Here's a list of things I'm going to do when I finish this degree:

Learn how to sew.

Submit fun stuff to a publisher.

Garden more.

Learn French.

Make wine.

Clean the house.

Get a pet.

Drum.

Do more yoga.

Get in shape to do crazy circus stuff.

Knit more.

Do more calligraphy.

Inches

Coding is done. I'm over it. I'm excited to be finished with this step. I actually got a congratulations from my advisor. My computer stopped letting me log on. Exciting too. Pffflt.

I'm reaching back into my proposal and seeing how my data answer my questions. How to analyze. How to align. How to finish as quickly and painlessly as possible.

All these things that I have done...

I'm sitting in Barnes and Noble with a cup of coffee and two folders of coding. One is ready to go, the other needs to be prepped. They are students 8 and 9 of 19. I'm nearly halfway through this hellacious part and that's what I have to focus on. All that is done. The word counts on up to 30 tasks per student. Reading and rereading for use of humor and for grammatical errors and checking and rechecking coding for errors to make sure I'm not missing anything.
This has been an interesting process so far. It has thrown me into cahoots with one of the best friends I've ever met. I have ease dropped on a dozen first dates and witnessed two breakups. Now, I'm seeing a wedding being planned. I have had to make my own tough decisions and had tough decisions made so easily for me by coming back to my values. I have test tasted a few varieties of their scones, but have yet to attempt their lunch menu. Seasons have changed out of the large domed windows. I've gotten caught in multiple storms of multiple persuasions... some brought on myself. My rituals of grad work have served me when I have served them. I have abstained nearly religiously from my usual tech binges. I have renovated my Linked In, which led to a renovation in my own life: my rituals of grad work, of trying to prepare myself for the best of what could be out there are how I re-met my boyfriend.
I'm musing with nostalgia today; with letting things go. I'm being provided with constant reminders of someone with whom I can no longer speak. Obscure things that are at once coincidental and converging in such strange ways as to be nearly spooky. It all makes me sad and broody. It also serves as a giant reminder: everything is a gift and these things that I have done, this degree, they are gifts to myself.

Only for a moment

I see a little kid waiting to be discovered for her ballet moves in her soccer uniform and I wonder how many times I've done the same thing. How many times I've played to the wrong audience. How many times I went big when I really should have just gone home.

I'm trying to hit halfway through coding tonight, but it's slow going. I want to go home.

Below is something I came up with almost a month ago. It describes me perfectly at junctures.

I can be big and brave

I can venture a conscious dream

I can dance professionally

I can dare to publish baby books

I can be happy and un wary

I can live a hundred lives and be guest to a thousand feasts

But my feats are unconditionally tied to my courage

My fleeting, waning courage

So I can feel the sweetness of a victory, but only for a moment.

Inch by inch

There's an Irish folk song about gardening that my family loves that starts "inch by inch". And that's exactly how I'm living my life right now. It's difficult not to be moving in leaps and bounds, but there is a time for that as well and my sense of urgency needs to chill the heck out and accept that right now, slow and steady is what is working.

To be less cryptic, I have 19 participants for my study. I've only completed coding on a couple, but even those don't feel complete. It's frustrating and a little daunting, but it was my choice and I'll only be done when I'm done. It's easy to think of how wonderful life will be when it's done... I think the metaphor the "grass is always greener where it is tended" is absolutely dead on for my life right now. 

I'm making a series of investments with my time and attention. A garden, a grad degree, a healthier way of eating, and yoga and contemplative practices. These are not only the seeds I'm sowing in the land I've tilled, they're also the day to day and week to week practices that have me tending my garden. Maybe there is some tenacity in the ways I am learning to bless myself and others and to move forward inch by inch.

Testing...

I'm a little mushy right now. Like the oven wasn't turned on hot enough and the veggies didn't crisp.

Check ins:

Grad school-IRB gave their final blessing. Participants have been contacted and 

Informed consents are coming in. I have 6 in and I'm waiting on 4 more forms. I'd like another 5-10 participants, we'll see what the rest of the week brings. Scared as I start coding the second student. Worried about what I will or won't find. Just want to be done.

Bellyfit- I'm teaching twice a week. To no one on Monday nights and to one to three people on Tuesdays- some of them related. Some relatives are bringing in unsavory friends- not my cup of tea, but trying to breathe and be graceful and gracious... And not look like I'm screaming on the inside. I'm not loving it anymore. Need either a new attitude, venue, or activity.

The food struggle- on going. Got way worse last weekend. Out of town and a lot of things going on that I really wasn't allowed much of a say in that affected me. Have I mentioned how patience is a virtue I am without? Well, I am and it is definitely hindering the whole "let's not eat horrible foods just because we feel ____". Work in progress. Starting a no processed, no sugar, no gluten detox today. Tummy feels like it's moving already.

Weight- up still. In an acceptable 100s digit, but the 10s creeped. Working with better coping mechanisms, exercise and relaxation. The last comes in because I recently had an ongoing medical issue that was made at least 50% worse by stress. So there's that...

The finances- applied for 2, that's right, dos summer jobs. Hoping to hear about them shortly.

Creative projects- have been at a stand still for a couple of months now. Picking up the pen again. Have a shopping list for the local office supply store and I'm excited to get back to work on some stories and pictures. I have mesmerizing ideas already.

Garden plans are in the incubation phase. I have to find some more seeds this week. So excited. Expanding...