Sometimes you just want your own bed.
I always craved adventure and a life that everyone else thought of as exciting. And while my life is full...and full of a lot of things that keep me constantly busy, I'm realizing that the more I travel, the more I really like my own home.
I had to wait thirty extra minutes for dinner last night and wound up eating alone because there was a show about to begin. I waited 35 minutes for a bus and another 15 for the same bus in the evening... I take for granted that in my own house and in my own kitchen I get to eat and do as I please. My car is right there-no lines, no waiting and no paying for parking. Little things. I know these are little things that are givens or on autopilot at home.
While I am grateful to be in a beautiful hotel room, learning a ton and having my voice heard, I miss my bed and my blender.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Friday, April 20, 2012
Grace
Figuring out how to do this on my phone has been a little tricky, so this may be followed by the post it references from last year. I cut and paste the following from a post entitled graceful:
"Grace is agility, finesse, courtesy, decency, goodwill, blessing and benediction. The verb has to do with honoring, dignifying, embellishing and beautifying.
I need to be flexible.
I need to be kind.
I need to be thankful.
I need to add good stuff into this world."
I amend that last statement: I need to acknowledge the good stuff in this world and rather than trying to forge this unique, unfounded and unrelated path, I need to collaborate with and build upon and again, to acknowledge the wonderful that exists.
I am fortunate enough that I was able to spend last week in Spain. In Barcelona, I had men flocking to me in a way that had never happened before. There were two reasons that the friends who I spoke with told me that this happened: 1, I was open to receiving happiness- I was ready to be taken out, lavished with compliments and enjoy my company. 2, I had nothing to prove. I was comfortable with myself and just grateful for what was going on right then. It was spectacular.
I just got off of the phone this evening with someone who I think I like and who, miracle of miracles seems to actually like me too. We were talking about what I do and like to do and I made a self deprecating comment about how I was excited about picking up sticks in the yard. He said something cute back to let me know that he didn't think it was as lame as I was presenting it and then I realized that half of the things that I'd presented to him I'd done the same thing with: my schedule, what I think is a lack of interests, my eating habits, even the sparse details of my trip I gave him. It isn't just him I do it with. I feel like I spend my whole life apologizing or justifying who I am and why I follow my own whims and ambitions rather than someone else's and cutting myself down for not truly being this amazing, charismatic woman who I have set up in my minds eye. She's someone who really isn't me and who I fear I'll never measure up to. An example of this: I have a job opportunity out of state that most people would jump at, but I don't want to pursue it and I feel like I have to defend myself, not only to others, but to myself.
I need to be grateful and gracious with myself...the me who is right here, right now. The me who talks too much when she's nervous and blushes when hot spanish men lay it on thickly. The me who still isn't sure how to figure out her proposal or how to reach her students somedays or why she's banging her head against the wall wanting someone who doesn't want her back. I know that that was focusing on the negatives and I feel like I spend 80 percent of my alone time castigating myself for being this person rather than having the decency and courtesy to welcome her in for a cup of tea, thank her for caring so much, validating her and moving on. I'm getting so worn out from beating myself up over what I want and what I love... And feeling as though I have to be anything different... I think that a lot of the change that I'm going through in my life right now isn't to make me a "different and better" person... I'm not sloughing off the pounds and learning new ways to nourish my body and mind to become someone I don't recognize- I'm doing this all to simplify. I've been holding up the welcome banners like guests at a surprise party who haven't realized the guest of honor is already in their midst.
What I realize now is that I'm cutting back the layers, sloughing off the skins and examining each one to find out why I needed it and thank it for what it served.
What I should uncover is an essential me. A me who is caring and compassionate and graceful. A me who is confident and comfortable in her relationships and knows the why and how to deal with the sticky- and finds something to be grateful for even in the challenge. A me not completely unlike that minds eye me, except for this me is blessed by the wisdom that this sometimes broken, but always beautiful path has imparted and she doesn't begrudge me for taking the scenic route.
I need to stop expecting this miracle stranger and start welcoming each incarnation of me back as I take this journey both towards an external goal and to who I really am at the core. I need to appreciate the messiness of it all and allow myself to find grace and be gracious to myself even when the road gets muddy.
"Grace is agility, finesse, courtesy, decency, goodwill, blessing and benediction. The verb has to do with honoring, dignifying, embellishing and beautifying.
I need to be flexible.
I need to be kind.
I need to be thankful.
I need to add good stuff into this world."
I amend that last statement: I need to acknowledge the good stuff in this world and rather than trying to forge this unique, unfounded and unrelated path, I need to collaborate with and build upon and again, to acknowledge the wonderful that exists.
I am fortunate enough that I was able to spend last week in Spain. In Barcelona, I had men flocking to me in a way that had never happened before. There were two reasons that the friends who I spoke with told me that this happened: 1, I was open to receiving happiness- I was ready to be taken out, lavished with compliments and enjoy my company. 2, I had nothing to prove. I was comfortable with myself and just grateful for what was going on right then. It was spectacular.
I just got off of the phone this evening with someone who I think I like and who, miracle of miracles seems to actually like me too. We were talking about what I do and like to do and I made a self deprecating comment about how I was excited about picking up sticks in the yard. He said something cute back to let me know that he didn't think it was as lame as I was presenting it and then I realized that half of the things that I'd presented to him I'd done the same thing with: my schedule, what I think is a lack of interests, my eating habits, even the sparse details of my trip I gave him. It isn't just him I do it with. I feel like I spend my whole life apologizing or justifying who I am and why I follow my own whims and ambitions rather than someone else's and cutting myself down for not truly being this amazing, charismatic woman who I have set up in my minds eye. She's someone who really isn't me and who I fear I'll never measure up to. An example of this: I have a job opportunity out of state that most people would jump at, but I don't want to pursue it and I feel like I have to defend myself, not only to others, but to myself.
I need to be grateful and gracious with myself...the me who is right here, right now. The me who talks too much when she's nervous and blushes when hot spanish men lay it on thickly. The me who still isn't sure how to figure out her proposal or how to reach her students somedays or why she's banging her head against the wall wanting someone who doesn't want her back. I know that that was focusing on the negatives and I feel like I spend 80 percent of my alone time castigating myself for being this person rather than having the decency and courtesy to welcome her in for a cup of tea, thank her for caring so much, validating her and moving on. I'm getting so worn out from beating myself up over what I want and what I love... And feeling as though I have to be anything different... I think that a lot of the change that I'm going through in my life right now isn't to make me a "different and better" person... I'm not sloughing off the pounds and learning new ways to nourish my body and mind to become someone I don't recognize- I'm doing this all to simplify. I've been holding up the welcome banners like guests at a surprise party who haven't realized the guest of honor is already in their midst.
What I realize now is that I'm cutting back the layers, sloughing off the skins and examining each one to find out why I needed it and thank it for what it served.
What I should uncover is an essential me. A me who is caring and compassionate and graceful. A me who is confident and comfortable in her relationships and knows the why and how to deal with the sticky- and finds something to be grateful for even in the challenge. A me not completely unlike that minds eye me, except for this me is blessed by the wisdom that this sometimes broken, but always beautiful path has imparted and she doesn't begrudge me for taking the scenic route.
I need to stop expecting this miracle stranger and start welcoming each incarnation of me back as I take this journey both towards an external goal and to who I really am at the core. I need to appreciate the messiness of it all and allow myself to find grace and be gracious to myself even when the road gets muddy.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
insatiable
Do you ever have a time when you don't feel full... when you think there's a void?
You don't feel like you can focus...
Restless... crawling out of your skin... feeling sooo consumptive?
I can't find the pulse of it tonight, the source...
Grrr... I need to sleep and figure this all out.
You don't feel like you can focus...
Restless... crawling out of your skin... feeling sooo consumptive?
I can't find the pulse of it tonight, the source...
Grrr... I need to sleep and figure this all out.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Compromise
I understand growth requires change. I'm the poster child for it right now- changing my lifestyle (eating, exercise, free time escapades, etc), changing careers soon and hopefully changing prefixes by next May.
I get that to be successful we have to please someone else in some capacity, but I resent that lately making others happy is diminishing me. If I'm clear on my wants and intentions, why are people wasting my time?
I get that to be successful we have to please someone else in some capacity, but I resent that lately making others happy is diminishing me. If I'm clear on my wants and intentions, why are people wasting my time?
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Methodology
ELL or L2L?
How many comics?
How many commercials?
What if they don't understand the questions?
What if my data is garbage?
Finishing up the methodology and tweaking the theoretical framework and handing it over for commentary.
Listening to WISH interview with Mel Robbins and while I find her a little brusque and hard on the ears she's incredible.
Her ideas that I love: fine=mediocrity which is like a C in life. It's unacceptable.
"there is no right time there is only right now"- we'll never want to do the things we really need to do to change, we'll never feel like it, so we just need to do it. We need to be clear about what we want. We need goals as a barometer for what is important and what is not. To be interesting we need to be interested. It's not based on how we feel, it's based on what we want and how we know we can get there.
How many comics?
How many commercials?
What if they don't understand the questions?
What if my data is garbage?
Finishing up the methodology and tweaking the theoretical framework and handing it over for commentary.
Listening to WISH interview with Mel Robbins and while I find her a little brusque and hard on the ears she's incredible.
Her ideas that I love: fine=mediocrity which is like a C in life. It's unacceptable.
"there is no right time there is only right now"- we'll never want to do the things we really need to do to change, we'll never feel like it, so we just need to do it. We need to be clear about what we want. We need goals as a barometer for what is important and what is not. To be interesting we need to be interested. It's not based on how we feel, it's based on what we want and how we know we can get there.
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