A joyful pause

Wednesday. 

I haven't felt normal since Wednesday.

Here's how it went down:

I woke up late, scrambled to get myself together. Dad dropped off some stuff for Sunday's fiesta. I emailed my advisor and tried to call the department secretary about a form I needed signed. I bolted to work to print and fax the form. My work computer is completely disconnected and my room isn't ready yet, but I prevailed. Went to M & D's to download the comments my advisor had sent me on my chapter 2 revisions. Found out the changes I'd made that multi doc morning at Starbucks to the forms I'd just printed hadn't saved. Redid, reprinted, received the signed forms, printed and rushed off to the post office with 15 minutes to spare. Research paperwork forms should have been received today. Big sigh of relief.

Spent the early evening addressing my advisor's chapter 2 edits, repackaged chapters 1-3 together and sent them off. I picked Char up and we had only missed  a couple of pitches in the first inning of a friend's ball game.

My committee has it. My advisor/ chair told them he hoped it would be a penultimate draft and that the methodology looked doable.

Like I said, I haven't felt normal since Wednesday. It's sunk in and it hasn't. I'm teary and not sure what to do with myself. It feels so much different than I thought getting here would... But I can't articulate what I thought this should be like... Having something major handed in, having a committee and being hopefully a draft away from my proposal hearing. Wow. My chair told the rest of the committee that he wanted to schedule the hearing early in the fall so I can collect data late this fall. I want that regalia this May. I want to dedicate my dissertation to my favorite comediennes. Sigh. Waiting and enjoying the moment's pause.

31 weeks of grace

Last week was ugly. I need to pare down and see how I can do with fewer tasks this week:

1. Lit review off to advisor. Paperwork into IRB

2. One query letter out. Thinking Penguin.

3. Yoga and Bellyfit

4. House party ready

5. Drop off info to one studio

6. Seam

7. Pumpkin clause

I also need to remind myself of why I'm doing this. I have four basic desires I mentioned my first week. I think I need to unpack them.

I want to be happy. I want to be pleased with the things I do. I want to mean what I say and do what I tell myself I'm going to do. I want to feel comfortable in my skin and enjoy it with someone who is completely sure that I am someone he never wants to live without and let's me know it every chance he gets. I want to be secure and fulfilled in my job, finances and relationships.

I want to be tiny. I want mediums to start being baggy. I'm enjoying that feeling with the larges, but I want the letter L banished and to welcome S. I want to be able to behave like a 40s movie star: leaving trails of champagne cocktails and beautiful men in my wake and curling up to someone suave who smells like heaven and dances like a dream.

I want to do things that I think are amazing. I want to swing on a trapeze. I want to do tricks on silks. I want to make my own dresses. I want to create and publish. I want to add beauty to this world and have a fabulous time doing it.

I want to be healthy. I want the weight on the scale to be a number my docs and I are comfy with. I want to eat for hunger.

I want to deal with stress and malarkey in a manor that is conducive to my well being. I want a good night's sleep.

The 'if'

I'm more of a dreamer than a planner.

I fall in love with ideas and people far too quickly without ever knowing what the next logical step looks like or exactly what moves will get me to the fairy tale ending. Granted half the time I don't necessarily know what that ending entails either. Enthusiasm infests me in the way apathy affects others.

I have to rein myself in a lot of the time and remember to take forward steps because the things that I want haunt my dreams and they are the big kinds of things. I've never been accused of being normal, but I've been accused of being nuts on occasion.

I'm trying to keep myself in check currently in three areas of my life. Professionally, I'm baby stepping into a better draft of my literature review and dotting 'i's and crossing 't's on research paperwork. It's a very difficult task for me because this is the first time the stakes have been so high and I'm super sensitive to criticism regardless of wording. It's also difficult to draft something concise and cohesive when the studies done have been divergent and the theories don't play well together.

 Healthwise, I'm keeping close tabs on everything going in my mouth and doing yoga everyday. I had a bingy blurp yesterday, but otherwise I'm keeping it in check and knowing that food isn't going to take care of any anxiety or stress I feel in any other area of my life. 

Personally is far more difficult for me. I'm trying to keep my expectations and emotions in check with someone I really really adore. This person and I did a decent job of hurting each other through a misunderstanding over a month ago, so I'm treading carefully to protect myself and keep me from becoming too attached too quickly. I don't actually have him saved as a contact. I delete all the messages we exchange everyday. I try to focus on everything else that is important in my life. I don't know how worthwhile any of these protective protocols are though. I can't erase memories. Seeing him for the first time. How nervous I was for our first kiss. The way his hands felt on my waist as I bent down to pick something up the other night. His quirks, stories and jokes. 

The first time I saw him he was standing nervously outside of the bar we were meeting at, hands in his pockets and keeping a look out for me. He looked anxious, but more than that... He was hopeful, expectant. I was in my car and when I saw him, I couldn't conceal the smile on my face. It was coming from my toes, my belly, my chest, my fingers and brain. We made eye contact and I just smiled the way you smile at someone who is becoming someone you simply want to be with. I like the way I feel in that memory. I like the way I feel when I'm near him. I like being told I'm beautiful and being doted upon while I'm sleepy.

It also scares the crap out of me. Relationships and I don't have an amiable past and I made sort of a deal with myself late this past winter that I would keep ice water in my veins and simply enjoy company without cultivating anything. It worked a little, but it wasn't counting on meeting some of the amazing men I met. The others became fantastic fodder for drinks with girlfriends or forgotten. Unfortunately, I didn't make the appropriate sacrifices to the goddesses/ gods of relationships and things fell apart.

I guess I'm ready for the big one. The one that can be it and if it isn't it is going to hurt like hell. I'm ready to put skin in. I'm ready to have the 'if' talks. We've had a couple over the past week and it's been completely telling about our differences in personalities. The planner in him is having a really hard time with my nebulous future. The comedienne in me wants to make hilariously glib comments about getting way ahead of ourselves, but is secretly thrilled that he's thinking this way. It's strange, for being such an anti planner how much I don't like the feeling of groundlessness relationships give me... I think it's because I can trust myself to take care of my own stuff and my own best interests, but it's really hard for me to trust someone else with the responsibility of keeping me safe and whole.

Scared, but not running away.

32 weeks of grace

This week's goals:

1. Sew a decent seam

2. Pumpkin clause

3. Yoga and Bellyfit

4. Actually call/ contact studios

5. House and yard party ready

6. Find agents/ publishers to contact

7. Edits on chapters 1 and 2 in

8. Planning for one prep done

Below- my stack of work at Barnes and Noble today.

So far: pumpkin'ed well, did yoga and Bellyfit on Monday. Came up with house to do list and did some odds and ends. Printed out handouts on Saturday.

Tuesday: did yoga in the am, finished chapter 1 edits, worked on chapter 2 and pumpkin'ed well.

Today: worked on chapter 2, cleaned the whole house, yoga and Bellyfit, found the punch bowl. Full moons really do something wacky to me.

Trying to pull five of these documents together into a cohesive draft. Wish me luck!

Sink or Swim

I would have entitled this breathe or paper bag, but the last post was on breathing and I think I've got that down now.

I sent out chapter 1 and 2 drafts last week. 1 on Weds am and 2 on Saturday. I just got my edits back today. Chapter 1 isn't bad. It was a 10 minute fix. 

Chapter 2 is ugly. Really really ugly. It needs shaping, it needs some recalibration, it has over a dozen track changes and it's going to require me going back into the literature I based it off of for some additional information and positing a lot of things differently. I'm trying not to puke, cry or go near sharp objects.

I'm going to just keep swimming. Do what I have to and get this over with. Goal is to have a new draft in by tomorrow afternoon... And then either beach or pool time. 

Breathe

The 'how the eff are you going to do all of this' train is trying to leave the station of my mind- destination: full blown panic attack. Chapter 2 is messy. Messy is getting tiring. I'm starting to feel like a compost. I'm getting scraps from others and not the savory bits... The bits they would have thrown out, but instead they're at least mindful enough to bring them to me so that I can digest them and turn them into something nourishing. I'm beginning to get indigestion.

I want to be so dazzling and dazzled that I require sunglasses.

Breathing.

Doing more of this.

Noticing more things like this in the world.

Proud of myself for this. I'm on my way. I need to remember every step, forward or backward is still movement and unless I'm digesting, sleeping or meditating, I need to keep moving... Just keep swimming.

Pumpkins

2 nights of pumpkin clause success in a row! I think three is very feasible tonight.

My advisor has everything but chapter 2. I'm waiting on edits, but plan on chapter 2 draft being sent out tomorrow.

Yoga is 2 for 2. Did bellyfit yesterday along with 4+ miles of walking. Did a 16.5 mile bike ride today and gardened for nearly 2 hours, so I'm thinking that I may not physically do the teaching routine, but I'll watch and read through the manual. Probably work on verbal cues. Printing out the handouts tomorrow and figuring out a couple more logistical things.

'Borrowed thread last night, not realizing I already have some. Will post picks as I figure out how to thread it and make my first stitches.

It's 2 hours later. Here's what I've got so far:

Not pretty, but progress.

Keep swimming

I faxed in the form for my committee to be appointed and had a call with my advisor today. Changed around something major in the proposal to streamline and then had to change that in all of the IRB paperwork. Spent another two hours with forms today. Chapters 1 and 2 are calling my name and they're first on the agenda after cardio tomorrow.

I didn't make the pumpkin clause last night, but I think I may be in good shape for it tonight. One of the projects I took on was the open office shelves. Have to give credit where it's due- I apparently had them in some rough semblance of order so it didn't take as long as anticipated to go through and purge. I came out with a full recyclable bin, a few folders/ papers filed elsewhere, an organized binder of yoga/ wellness and three piles for grad school: need, probably won't need and nerd. The nerd pile is papers I was given that I haven't gotten to yet.

Did yoga and bellyfit today.

For teaching, I located the handouts to give potential sites- printing tomorrow.

The sewing machine and I became a little better acquainted. We did a brief anatomy lesson... And I realized I don't actually have spools of thread.

Taking care of that tomorrow too.

Today's good signs were the violet being in bloom again in the office. I think I'll have three flowers by tomorrow and ...

Not the text message, though that was nice too. Notice the NKOTB that came on to iTunes. Classic.

Progress

What I did today:

Yoga, check

Up to page 13 in sewing machine manual. Yes, that's my first completed project in the back ground (I wish).

Bellyfit manual and some kombucha by the garden.

Did you know there were this many types of thread. Wow.

I finished all of my IRB paperwork and sent it off for my advisor's perusal. I did yoga and bf, I read part of the manuals for both bf and the sewing machine, I found numbers for 4 possible places to teach and I'm on pace to hit the hay before midnight. Yay!

33 weeks of grace

This is my view this afternoon.

 The bottom one is as done as I can get it😀.

The nine pages of forms I'm working through right now have taken me about 45 mins so far and I'm just starting the tricky parts. Doesn't IRB know that I have a date with a bicycle and a crick this afternoon???

Pushing through.

That was from 1:30 ish this afternoon. I pushed through and completed the long form and sent it to my advisor. I started another two forms, one of which I have completed in my methodology and just need to tweak it to look like what their formal version looks like.

I have edits back from my advisor already and therefore have a starting place tomorrow. It's a comforting feeling seeing progress.

This was also my view this afternoon:

And this was this evening:

I biked ten miles and took a defensive measure in the garden war against furry nibblers.

I like the idea of starting points and challenges and seeing progress. My first blog was cake30 and I learned a ton from it- it wound up being a really gorgeous experience that brought me closer to co-workers, students, friends and family.

I have just under 33 weeks now until I turn 33... How am I going to end this year in my life gracefully and start the next off with a bang?

I want to be happy.

I want to be tiny.

I want to do things I think are amazing.

I want to be healthy.

Those are the goals.

How to get there I think needs to be tailored weekly into 5 miscible things to do. So, here are my 5 by Friday:

1. Read the sewing machine booklet and practice on fabric.

2. Pumpkin clause. I need my beauty rest.

3. Yoga and bellyfit every day

4. Contacts about teaching bellyfit

5. Chapters 1 & 2, at least 2 sets of edits, finish all IRB paperwork.

Over

I get overwhelmed. It isn't that I can't parse out the important, it's that I get to a point where it's almost like I've been shot in the forehead with elephant tranquilizers laced with LSD and I feel like I'm being pulled in by the undertow of this absurd sh#t show. I see all of the blatant banality and wonder how on earth anything could be considered reputable. This is why I take social media detoxes and this is one of the reasons why I keep small and selective company. Untrained minds given a forum without a focus feel absolutely chaotic en masse... And truth be told, I don't want/ need to know how deep or shallow my pseudo acquaintances' thought pools run or how negative or thoughtless their streams of consciousnesses (I'm sure it's a word) flow.

I'm over tired right now. It's after 4 am and my mind has yet to catch its breath from the utter melee of IRB forms and revisions that I'm feebly attempting to be positive about.

In true me fashion I've been reaching for the perfect storms to cope or try to get out from under this crushing pressure, but yet again, they've overthrown me. At some point I sincerely hope I know better for the sake of my stomach, heart and mind...

I need to get over it.

This sucks right now. I'm pissed and scared and I'm in the middle of it. I'm absolutely capable of getting through it with less harm, more joy and more rest... Deep breath. Ok, eff it, let's get a little sleep and get some forms done.

Fun with IRB

IRB is how a school regulates human subjects research. They have to approve of any and everything I do for this study... Basically alongside of my committee, they own me until I finish this degree.

I drove over an hour to Albany yesterday for what wound up being a 10 minute meeting. A very informative and helpful meeting, but two hours in the car for 10 mins of meeting and some fantastic sushi. I ran into Seema her husband and new baby out to lunch. So good to see them and be able to chat about life and grad work.

The good news: my advisor thinks my methodology is in good shape and ready for my committee as soon as I finish redoing my chapter 1 and 2.

The to do list:

Chapters 1 and 2 edits/ rewrites

IRB forms

Garden

Clean the house.

Busy afternoon. ;)

Statistics

The problem with taking so long to really get cooking on my proposal is that I can't freaking remember the couple of semesters of statistics I took back in the day. I'm trying to figure out which forms of analysis will make my data sparkle, but I'm kind of scratching my head as I retread through old textbooks. Multivariate analyses look sort of tasty and appropriate... Now let's see how they actually work...

Another draft is in with gaps in quantitative to be talked through. Fingers crossed for good feedback.

Abundance

I came from a scarcity back ground. Don't get me wrong, we weren't needy. I was just very wanty and was brought up being told that I didn't meet whatever imaginary threshold was required to get what I wanted. I didn't need an expensive prom dress, but I was told because it wasn't like I had a boyfriend to go with anyway I wasn't going to get anything special. It was flaunted in front of me the other day and still stung.

I have a situation where my needs simply are being ignored. I don't know if it's a power play, a mind game or if something is legitimately wrong and he's refusing to communicate, but I came up with a new use for the date relic rocks: throwing them at boys. And I do mean boys. Men know better. (Disclaimer: I actually found a home for the rocks and left them at said home tonight).

Here's the rub- this world is full of plenty. There are plenty of men who wouldn't do this to me. There is plenty of laughter to be shared, dancing to be done, songs to listen to and stories to be shared. What there isn't is plenty of time to put up with bull. To quote one of my dear dear friends, 'nut up or shut up.'

As for me, I feel like a little girl being put to bed with the wrong stuffed animal. I have dozens of beautiful things, but the one I draw the most comfort from is not at my disposal. I need to suck it up and enjoy what is rather than focusing on what isn't... Or more my style, trash everything and start fresh. Maybe that's why I like autumn so well, the season of demo, trusting that everything will begin afresh in the spring.

I have the second big draft of my methodology with commentary that I've been trucking along fixing. I spent two hours just with the track changes and another hour and a half relearning statistics last night. Today, I spent two hours with statistics and another two looking over case study analyses, phenomenology and generic qualitative how-to textbooks. I'm going to attempt another hour of putting things together before I send draft three out. I also have a meeting with research compliance on Wednesday. Exciting and terrifying times.

Did the qualitative work at a bar tonight. It's a cool place that I haven't been to in about two months. The bar is original 1930s with some prohibition era artifacts. I sat at the bar and was taken care of by the owner and his mom who regaled me with the stories and played me the original vinyl collection of the couple who owned the bar from the 1930s to the 1970s. You ever have those moments in the middle of chaos, in the middle of self-doubt and utter shit shows that have you wondering what you can possibly do to turn it around when suddenly a song comes on and you know that you'll make everything golden and that there is inherent good and order for those who welcome it. I had one of those at the bar. I had just ordered my second drink, the owner came over to make sure I hadn't left the drink in the stream of sunlight on the bar and an instrumental version of 'Blue Skies' came on... I remembered every word. I've sought comfort in food this week, thinking there wasn't enough energy in me to make better decisions and that there wasn't enough in the world to hold my attention... but it was as simple as that old favorite song...Bing Crosby singing along with me to remind me to leave room to be delighted.

What's in a name???

I've had this thing with dating for as long as I can remember where my friends never actually knew the name of the guy I was seeing until they were about to meet him. I never realized that I did this... I knew it was funny to have code names for them: ass (based on behavior not anatomy), the coach, the one from high school, the bartender, the Greek god, the foot guy, the marine, the Canadian, the teacher, the funny one, etc.

I do the same thing with people I run into in the world at large. My study abroad friends would know in a heart beat who peanut butter is and I regale my social media buddies with stories of mouth breathers and awkward socializers galore.

But what is in a name?

Words have power. They color the world for us, as Theodore Dreiser pointed out. What does how we talk about the people things that are important to us say about who we are and how we see ourselves relating to these people and things?

I worry that my name calling could lead others to believe that I'm not compassionate or nice, that I'm a bit of a snot and that I don't give people a chance. They're probably right :) I think I'm just reaching for something funny in the strange and uncomfortable.

Hmmm. Writing this from Barnes and Noble. Avoiding awkward glances from the guy who I pretended not to hear when he asked me how vacation was because 1, I don't know him and 2, do I look like I'm here to socialize? I mean seriously.

Received revisions on my methodology yesterday afternoon and I added on an extra six pages this morning (only 2 1/2) are bibliography. Feeling decent. Realizing half of the game right now is keeping my head in it and psyching myself up, not out. Have a couple of Albany contacts to make this week and need to pop into work tomorrow. Emailing draft 2 before dinner. Woo!

PS Mumford & Sons= soundtrack of victory.