Abundance

I came from a scarcity back ground. Don't get me wrong, we weren't needy. I was just very wanty and was brought up being told that I didn't meet whatever imaginary threshold was required to get what I wanted. I didn't need an expensive prom dress, but I was told because it wasn't like I had a boyfriend to go with anyway I wasn't going to get anything special. It was flaunted in front of me the other day and still stung.

I have a situation where my needs simply are being ignored. I don't know if it's a power play, a mind game or if something is legitimately wrong and he's refusing to communicate, but I came up with a new use for the date relic rocks: throwing them at boys. And I do mean boys. Men know better. (Disclaimer: I actually found a home for the rocks and left them at said home tonight).

Here's the rub- this world is full of plenty. There are plenty of men who wouldn't do this to me. There is plenty of laughter to be shared, dancing to be done, songs to listen to and stories to be shared. What there isn't is plenty of time to put up with bull. To quote one of my dear dear friends, 'nut up or shut up.'

As for me, I feel like a little girl being put to bed with the wrong stuffed animal. I have dozens of beautiful things, but the one I draw the most comfort from is not at my disposal. I need to suck it up and enjoy what is rather than focusing on what isn't... Or more my style, trash everything and start fresh. Maybe that's why I like autumn so well, the season of demo, trusting that everything will begin afresh in the spring.

I have the second big draft of my methodology with commentary that I've been trucking along fixing. I spent two hours just with the track changes and another hour and a half relearning statistics last night. Today, I spent two hours with statistics and another two looking over case study analyses, phenomenology and generic qualitative how-to textbooks. I'm going to attempt another hour of putting things together before I send draft three out. I also have a meeting with research compliance on Wednesday. Exciting and terrifying times.

Did the qualitative work at a bar tonight. It's a cool place that I haven't been to in about two months. The bar is original 1930s with some prohibition era artifacts. I sat at the bar and was taken care of by the owner and his mom who regaled me with the stories and played me the original vinyl collection of the couple who owned the bar from the 1930s to the 1970s. You ever have those moments in the middle of chaos, in the middle of self-doubt and utter shit shows that have you wondering what you can possibly do to turn it around when suddenly a song comes on and you know that you'll make everything golden and that there is inherent good and order for those who welcome it. I had one of those at the bar. I had just ordered my second drink, the owner came over to make sure I hadn't left the drink in the stream of sunlight on the bar and an instrumental version of 'Blue Skies' came on... I remembered every word. I've sought comfort in food this week, thinking there wasn't enough energy in me to make better decisions and that there wasn't enough in the world to hold my attention... but it was as simple as that old favorite song...Bing Crosby singing along with me to remind me to leave room to be delighted.