fear of flying/ falling

Am I really afraid of failure or of success?

I just did a review thing for grad school. It's one of those things that you aren't sure if it's a big deal or not, but you have an impact on something that's going on in someone's career right now. It's a stressful, horrible feeling for three reasons:
1, you don't want to sound stupid
2, you don't want to screw them over, but at the same time, you want to do what you should
3, you look at some of their mistakes and think "I could have done better than that"

It's one and three that are causing me anxiety now.  Number 3 because, why haven't I yet? and then you realize that number 1 is part of the reason.

I don't like being scared.
I don't like being a novice at things and my dalliance into three new things that scare me this year is more or less exploding in all sorts of ridiculous ways.
I'm trying to get comfortable with sticky situations and to get through gracephully. I'm barely getting through breathing.

I'm only making one New Year's resolution this year. It's going to have something to do with finishing what I start without complaining. I'll let you know how I wind up wording it...

the frivolity and the focus

The house is a wreck right now. Dishes are all cleaned... there are just far too many sitting in the strainer right now. I only have half a dozen small presents left to buy, but nothing is wrapped yet. The nails are up over the French doors, but I haven't hung the garlands.

I've spent all of my free time this weekend (when I wasn't baking with my mother or at "obligations") on my computer, watching trailers of funny movies, old sit-coms (Lucy, anyone?) and comedy shows.  All I figured out was a handful of things.

1, the house really does fall apart when you don't keep up on it.  Pretty much every empty surface (with the exception of chairs and my bed) is currently covered with paperwork to do, books to read, presents to wrap and things to file.

2, Holiday cards don't write themselves.  I think they'll be coming a little late this year.  Hope no one minds.

3, I am absolutely no closer to done with this proposal than I was a month ago.  I have decisions to make, but I feel underprepared to make them.  One advisor gave me more work to do... the other is looking for answers and I've got none yet.

4, Work obligations based on other peoples' massive eff-ups are really the worst. Getting 2 things straightened out for work is costing me far too much in time and there is no outlet for the absolute rage I feel towards the people who screwed this up.

I want to go to bed... but I'm trying to keep a little focus to get something done tonight.

Truth of the matter is that there is very little that matters. If the inside doesn't get decorated, so be it.  None of the holidays are planned here and if people stop, I have an ironclad excuse. I will get the proposal done... it's just not going to work on the schedules I've set out and as long as I keep an open line of communication with my advisors, it should be ok.

The important thing- my heart will be in town on Thursday. Two and a half feet tall and can't even say "Aunt Mart" yet... but knowing that she's on her way makes everything brighter, sweeter and softer. I'd like to believe that as long as my heart is in the right place, everything else will come together.

respirations

I've always thought it was so neat how much you can tell about a person without even having to speak to them. Bitten nails from nervousness, crow's feet from laughing at every opportunity, his or her countenance... it's fascinating. Breaths and heart-beats are tell-tale as well. Our breath catches in surprise or delight, we hyperventilate out of stress, our breaths are jagged when we're scared and we take a deep breath to calm ourselves.

I'm finally breathing again... no, the proposal for my dissertation isn't finished yet.

but... my portfolio passed!

and I finally feel like I can breathe again.

all that glitters

Being a godmother has its perks.

Besides the occasional fabulous gift received, I have the task of filling her library with what will become memories when I'm not around.

Being a teacher, a book worm and someone who works for opportunity for everyone, I feel it's my obligation (an obligation that I more than enjoy) to find her something empowering rather than feeding her run of the mill fairy tales and fables.

Stories are portraits... no one pointed this out more painfully than Joyce, but the decisions... the what to include and what light to paint everyone in still leave me stunned. I'm not saying that stories shouldn't reflect right and wrong... but where are the ethics?  Where are the gray areas?  When are kids old enough to read something and be asked to make their own decision on the outcome of it all?

I have this notion of a fairy tale happy ending, but white horses aren't involved. The damsel in distress isn't rescued in the traditional sense and the prince could be the catalyst, but isn't necessarily the savior...

I think a true fairy tale is one in which we save each other or better yet, help each other save ourselves.

gratephul

I had my students make little turkeys out of recycled scraps of orange and yellow card stock and brown construction paper. I do something like it every year... a ten minute arts and crafts project that let's them know that I appreciate that they need a break and I value what they believe in.
This year felt a little different as I looked over them when I stuck up the last few classes on the community wall. Every single kid was grateful for his or her family and most were grateful for food and water and their friends.

I think that maybe the only good thing to come out of these times of economic hardship and a shrinking middle class- we see what's important and what's superfluous.

So, what am I grateful for this year?

1. Students who push me to be a better teacher. They may be difficult or misbehave. They may ask me questions that I don't have an answer to yet. Regardless, they make me want to make my class and the lessons we share memorable.

2. My family. It's nice to have people who want you to be happy and who realize that their version of your perfect future isn't yours and that's ok. I have room to make big decisions and take big risks knowing that no matter what, they're in my cheering section.

3. My colleagues and advisors. The people whom I have the pleasure of working with to make the place I work and the models of education that serve all better.

4. Music. Singing will always be my first love. And we have the great fortune to be living in an age where you can find any amazing song to enjoy so simply.
This song below makes me want to star in a production of The Fantasticks. I think El Gallo should be re-envisioned as a woman's part- and I should play it :)

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/GEW1F9kZ-UE" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

5. Food. I can't write symphonies. I can't paint masterpieces... but I can make some delicious things to share with those I love.

6. Finally, impermanence of everything. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it sucks, but sometimes knowing that there's a light at the end of every tunnel makes today a little more bearable... especially when that light comes with a hood and a new prefix.

Hope your Thanksgiving was lovely. Remember to bless the hands (and beaks and udders) that made the food.

What are you thankful for?

LATE FRAGMENT

And did you get what

you wanted from this life, even so?

I did.

And what did you want?

To call myself beloved, to feel myself

beloved on the earth.

Raymond Carver’s epitaph

and that's all that matters

144 words

abstracts are so tricky.

you want to be brief and be brilliant.

you want them to know that you've done your reading...

that you can relate all the obscure concepts in a way that's never been done before...

that your research problem is new and different and so very very very important....

you want them to pick you.

but- you only have 300 words and names for all of those well related and summarized articles count as words... the fantastic way you synthesize things- words too.

people will recommend in both irony and seriousness that you find bigger words, better words

that you shave, abridge, recapitulate…

this is the issue with words.

they aren’t good or bad… they only cut when architected to do so or thrown about so carelessly that they’re re-forged into something stronger.

they’re gorgeous, but imperfect.

the abstract is in. :)

win some, lose some

Coffee is amazing.
I caffeinated today and holy moly.

It wasn't all pretty, but I...

got the draft in
wrote two letters of recommendation
had two productive meetings
did three loads of laundry
went to PT
did a first coat of stain on my wine rack
made some popcorn
and caught up on How I Met Your Mother and Big Bang Theory and my grading

Working on the final draft.
Will update when it's in...
Have a good night!

unmitigated disaster

It is 11:04 on a Saturday and I'm on the couch in my pjs, wrapped in a blanket wondering how and when everything went so terribly wrong.

I'd promised myself, my grad school best friend and both of my advisors a copy of a conference proposal today and it's not done. Know that the only person I'm really letting down is myself, and I feel horrendous.

I can't make things come together. I don't know what to throw out, what to keep and where it all really leads.

I'm afraid of failing... but doing nothing right now... not handing this in, not finishing is failing without ever having the option of succeeding.

I wish I could be more like the little tater-tot below.

She sees an enormous dog and he's not a threat, he's a mystery--a curiosity and a participant in her merriment.

She looks him right in the eye (not to mention has absolutely perfect squat form) and tries to figure out how they're going to play.

So, how am I going to play today? How am I going to engage my research questions and come up with a viable document and let go of the fear it won't be good enough and gracefully accept edits and criticism?

I'm going to look it right in the eye and see how it will serve my goals.

I'll update when it's in.

redefining

Half of getting a good answer (or more importantly good data to analyze for an excellent answer) is having the right question and identifying the right problem.

I'm in Albany for the day, working on my research questions and methodology.

The meeting with the advisors was focusing... and a little kick in the butt.

My only remaining question/ issue today is: What's up with aviators/ birth control glasses being fashionable now? Is the rationale the "ugly bridesmaid dress" theory? The glasses look so bad that it highlights anything redeemable on the individual in question? Does it force the observer to search for the beauty? I ask because aesthetically, all they move is my upchuck reflex... the mind reels.
Back to work. ;-)

drop the 'tude

"Drop the 'tude" has been one of my parents' most commonly used phrases since I hit puberty.

Pessimistic, vocal, and pious have made me a slew of friends over the past decade and a half and have limited me in ways I'm still trying to overcome.

It's easier to be angry than productive.
It's easier to blame than persevere.

I should have two runs in already this week, but they haven't happened and tonight, I'm on the couch after class, wanting nothing more than to watch a Muppet movie and eat some popcorn.
How am I going to run a 5k in 6 weeks and two days when I don't know if I'll make it a half a mile?

Poop.

Taking deep breaths.

I took it on. It's no one else's fault that I decided to do this all at once. I need to stop whining and handle it.
No one's handing out medals at the finish line. No one needs to hear excuses.

I just need to remember how good it feels when I finish something.
I need to be grateful that I'm cleared to run again.
I need to be grateful that I have people in my cheering section.

Met with my advisors yesterday.

More on that delightfulness this weekend.

one year and 19 hours

Try to look at things positively.

The Marine Corp Marathon is tomorrow.  I had to defer until next year.
People who know me well think this is funny. I've never been a runner. I've never enjoyed it.
I started running last winter, registering for this race and two others in February.
What happened?
I was slow and I was in pain. A slipped disc and hip issue stopped me in my tracks. I was sidelined completely from running, having to miss both the Boilermaker and the MCM.
Physical therapy and training commenced and I'm happy to say I'm cleared to run, but only a half a mile at a time right now.

I'm learning protocol and expectations for something new at work... the issues getting in the way are other people's expectations and politics. These include my own expectations... I want perfect. I don't mean to be a perfectionist, but I have a firm belief that people deserve the best of me and the best from me and that's not what everyone's getting right now.
I don't like settling, but right now, I need to do the best I can and be happy with that.

I have a meeting with both of my advisors tomorrow and haven't sent a document for us to cover yet. I'm freaking out that I'm not pushing myself with this, but I'm stuck. The project I want to start is massive and I don't want to muck it up. Ugggh. What am I going to do?

So, how are we going to get from here to there?

Follow the PT and trainers instructions. Push, but learn the difference between pain and sore. Watch what goes in my mouth as well as what comes out of it.
Do the best I can with the work stuff and the grad school stuff.
If it takes a little longer because of how full my plate is, so be it. The world isn't going to end and the people who matter won't think any worse of me for it. Stop being concerned with the bull and with people who are vicious and ridiculous. Strive for transparency.

Deep breaths... let's get some work done.

sublimation

Sublimation is the channeling or transforming of impulses into something more constructive.

love and fear

I have someone who is taking advantage of me.
He's taking advantage of the fact that I really liked him and that everyone was trying to hook us up and that I still feel a need for him to understand and approve of me.
He's taking advantage of my position and connections and thinks he has an in.
He's taking advantage of the fact that I don't want to be vulnerable and that I'm afraid of what other people think of me.

He doesn't give a lick about me and it hurts.

Hurt is inevitable. Whether it's now or in months when I'm even more angry with myself about wasting time letting this person diminish me. I'm not saying that he's a bad person. I'm just saying that I don't have to live with this feeling stabbing at my chest wall and that the sooner I release ties and move on, the sooner it will change.

I told my father today how much I'd love to live on a deserted island. Not to hear the quips in the faculty room, not to read the vicious arguments based on semantic drivel on my doctoral forum. His response was, "you'd pick fights with the monkeys."

I laughed, but it was true. I find a way to let fear take over and grasp onto the faults to give reasons why I can't be successful rather than doing what I love. I focus on that which I cannot change, that which I feel a victim of, the injustices and the irritations.

"You cannot love and fear at the same time. These two states of being cannot live in the same space. You have to let go of one or the other." Renee Oglesbee from tinybuddha.com

This was another great article on Love and Fear

Will update soon on my proposal!

in the wake

The high of handing it in was promptly squashed. It was a pretty rapid and serious come down- one of my committee couldn't open anything and I had to frantically put something else important on hold to take care of it. That mini panic attack spent the week percolating with questions starting with the clause: "Why didn't I..." swelling into the grand mal panic attack that erupted today.

I had someone point out to me that I don't seem happy.
I'm not.
Happiness is a habit of mind and I haven't figured out how to convince myself that I can accomplish all of the crazy things I've set out to do and that I can enjoy the hell out of most of the process.

Em getting ready to be T-I- Double Ga- Er

I see a face like this and all is right in the world.
It's remembering not to reach. Just to stay.

My to do list has shifted: all hands are on deck for a project proposal/ redo of IRB forms for that pilot that I originally thought I would have time for. Meeting with both advisors (a first!) on November 2nd and an abstract due to a cool sounding conference in Turkey.

Sign me up!

buoyant

Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done.

The portfolio is complete and has been sent to the first two members of my committee.
I feel like a different person. I'm half between tears and calling everyone I know. It's a strange excitement: Calm and unencumbered. Suddenly the laundry, the dishes, the grading and getting to bed by eleven all seem mutually attainable.
It was 17 days off of our latest schedule, but I'm so happy to have it completed that I don't even care.
I'm hoping for a full out pass, but I have to remember that revisions won't be the end of the world.
To celebrate I'm going to do the aforementioned chores and paint my nails with my present to myself for finishing: OPI malaga wine.
It's the little things I get to do that make the big things seem so worth it.

On the docket and tentative revised schedule:

Chapter 3 edit                           by 10/14
Pooled Lit reviews                  
(Scissors optional)                     by 10/21
Cohesive lit review                    Halloween
Tie up pilot loose ends              by 11/4
Theoretical Framework             Veteran's Day
Introduction and out
for comments                             by Thanksgiving

"In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure." Bill Cosby

Wish me luck.

a wrinkle in time

I got a new washer today and laundry always makes me think of tesseract and A Wrinkle In Time always makes me think of Lewis Carroll, portmanteau and Foucault. The mind reels.

I should find out tomorrow about my selections for my portfolio committee and as soon as I do I'm faxing in the paperwork and putting that puppy to bed. I feel like I've been working on it/ musing on it for far too long and I really don't know how I'm going to feel about it all or myself once it's all done.

I wonder where all the time has gone.  My niece is turning one soon.  I remember the day she was born- I was on campus preparing for my research tools exam defense and it took all I had in me to stay at the library and finish work and then to drive home instead of to the airport.

I posted my last cake30 blog today. Marking an end of a year of dessert trial and error and now the kitchen has taken on new meanings and tasks. Sprouts and veggies and new spices fill the counters. Vegan falafel and hunan dumplings and Sarson Ka Saag (when I'm not bingeing on rosemary potatoes or grilled eggplant) are my staples.

Things change. There's fear and comfort to be found in the impermanence of everything. There's no use in wanting things to be different. There is only accepting and working towards your ideals mercifully and kindly.

To give a check in on the pre 3one list:
1. Submit to a publisher: a paper I worked on was submitted yesterday, but I want a fiction publisher.
This stays on the list.

2. Start dissertation: Pre-proposal pieces have been gathered and I've been squirreling away books for the lit review.

3. Run a big race. I had to defer from MCM.  I wasn't ready for it anyway, but the PT doesn't want me running for a while. I'm begging for a sign off on the Last Race 5k in December. I'll let you know.  We'll see what I can get into once I get in shape and cleared.

4. Become a vegetarian again. CHECK!

5. Perfect some signature dishes and desserts. CHECK! for the non-vegan variety.  Working on the vegan ones.

6. Be grateful for something everyday. CHECK! I'm keeping a book of things I'm grateful for.

7. See everything as a gift. Working on it.

8. Be graceful.... still trying.

My blog list:
1. Portfolio              Will complete by 9/23
2. Summer 11 pilot  Done
3. Mods to continue Su 11 Done
4. Mods on Spring 11 study to start Fall 11 Trimming- won't have time
5. Proposal          Draft by Halloween
6. Dissertation     In by Dec. 11


Time to get back to work. I have some other past musings on change, reflection, and perspective from cake30.

restlessness and silence

The sea has never been friendly to man. At most it has been the accomplice of human restlessness.
Joseph Conrad 


I feel restless today. I just finished edits on that prof's paper. I'm not happy with my edits. I feel like I should have done more and I want to be more involved in the process of things, but I get nervous. I see these whole huge things... opposite of the old expression, I can't see the trees in the forest.
The restlessness could be contributed to so many things: that paper, the weekend I just had, what's going on at work and what I still need to do to finish my portfolio (the letters were returned and scanned). These are all things that I can do a great deal of good with. I'm inviting someone back into my life who I lost touch with years ago. I love this person and I'm so happy to have reconnected... but nothing is a given. My hands are tied with a few things at work... all I can do is empathize and follow up. My introduction hasn't gelled and my chapter three is still a mess... I need to sit down with them and let them speak.


I wonder how much of what I do I do out of restlessness. My accomplices run gamut from searching for another degree to chase to my new obsession with baking bread and cooking.
How many of these things are simply ways for me to keep moving when what I probably need is to take a little time and breathe?

tap dancing, chewing gum and making creme brulee

Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy. Dale Carnegie

Letters of collab are out- I'm waiting for my copy to come back and submitting the portfolio.
In the meantime, I have edits to do on a prof's 45 pager, my chapter 3 to revamp and a lit review to hack open and revitalize.

Wish me luck.

ceasing to be something old

I'm tired.
I'm weary.
I'm vexed.
I'm worn.
I'm upset.
I'm crestfallen.
I'm wretched.
I'm angry.
I'm disgusted.
I'm running out of steam.

I'm going to bed grateful that tomorrow isn't today.

large bites

I've spent the past week putting out other people's fires.
My sister-in-law pointed out that I love to be busy and she was right.  I want to be dependable, but not when it gets in the way of what I'm trying to accomplish.  I know that sometimes we have to save other people from themselves, but there's a point in which you have to raise your eyebrow and walk away.

I got the forms for my portfolio committee and my dissertation committee.
I'm printing and mailing out my letter of collaboration on Wednesday at the latest, cleaning up a draft of my chapter three (rather than writing something fresh on the current project) and submitting my portfolio as soon as the letters come back signed.

Then, it's time to cross my fingers and hope for no revisions and dive into the proposal.

on overcoming

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.  Joseph Campbell

People have a hard time letting go of their suffering.
Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.  Thich Nhat Hanh

 We become something new by ceasing to be something old.  Frederick Buechner


When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.  Lao Tzu


The only question is how?
How do we let go of the things that hold us back?
How do we let go of the things that scare us and how do we let go of the things that don't work about the people we are?


I've been listening to Adele and reading over old books... did a bunch of outings with people I love this week... nothing's helping yet.  Maybe I need to take a walk.  Grrrr.
It infuriates me to not be good at things.

live out loud

I am getting to help a 10 month old start to walk.
I get to share in the lives of the people I love... I have a group of people with whom I can bubble over with excitement about the great stuff.
I am working on something that I think is so ridiculously cool and I have contact with people in my field whom I admire.
I have new, sweet projects coming down the pike that I've been looking forward to.
I'm doing something different and unique and I'm starting to see things mesh and interconnect in ways that I didn't see possible.
I am blessed and I am so excited to get to be me.
I'm just realizing that living out loud really does mean loving out loud and loving out loud is being grateful, generous and realizing that the more we give, the more we all have.

The media is terrifying in this country. Dependability has gone out the window when it comes to the news- violence and rubbish reign.
People seem not to know how to treat one another anymore.
The economics of this country are crazy, scary and selfish.
Irresponsibility, greed, and laziness are becoming near standard.
It's easy to complain about the bad, but what does that do besides breed more negativity and ugliness? We need to change and we don't do that by bellyaching... we do that by showing people what our values are and acting accordingly.
Not condemning.
Not intimidating.
Empowering.
Simply living the best we can, living out loud and letting our joy and prosperity speak for itself.
Believing in others and helping them realize what they have to add to this world and what their path is to do so.

What are you grateful for?
What makes you feel like you're living out loud?

If you're in a funk and feel like there isn't anything that you could possibly be grateful for or can do to change, check this out:
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/live-your-life-out-loud-30-ways-to-get-started/

Recharging

I'm not going to complain.  I'm going to be grateful that I have refuge-- in people who love me, in martinis, in dirt, in baby smiles and in good guidance.

The following are some of my favorite Audrey Hepburn quotes (or excerpts from them) and pics of my favorite person on earth.

"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles."

Em believes that not making eye contact with the broccoli will make it go away.

"For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed; never throw out anyone.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others. "

strolling by the "nice kitty" with grandma's assistance

"Paris is always a good idea"
There is something so fulfilling about shopping for plane and train tickets. Dreaming of Mont Saint Michel and Ribera del Duero in dusty bottles and enjoying now.

Strong start to week two!

The website is being a poquito creepy- For some reason it deleted all of the blogs I was following... luckily there were only five of them and the most important ones haven't been updated in weeks for very good reasons: 1, my co-worker's mom who underwent a bone marrow transplant this week is home and doing well & 2, my grad school bff is slacking on her posting, but kicking butt on getting work done.

Speaking of goodness, I finished #3 today. I had a 40 minute skype conference this afternoon, after which I went over to the neighbor's with my laptop, had a swim, did all of the paperwork we needed to do and then had an amazing dinner. I love it when people cook for me!

We may need to do some revisions and add a form or two, but the hard part is done!

I think to celebrate, I'm going to try and lick #4 as well.

Little victories are what I need right now... because done seems so far away and there is something else that I really, really want, but I can't have... so I guess distracting myself with work instead of frivolities is the way to go :P

Enjoy your week!

Graceful

Grace is agility, finesse, courtesy, decency, goodwill, blessing and benediction. The verb has to do with honoring, dignifying, embellishing and beautifying.

I need to be flexible.

I need to be kind.

I need to be thankful.

I need to add good stuff into this world.

Week one and the pre 3 one list

When I started cake30 last August, I mentioned that I had three goals before I hit 3 oh, but never said what any of them were except for the baking one.  I had wanted to get in running shape and have submitted one of my stories to a publisher... I started running, but didn't get to where I needed to with either of the others, so I think it's time to come clean about my pre 3 one list... this are in no particular order.

Submit to a publisher

Start dissertation

Run a big race

Become a vegetarian again

Perfect some signature dishes and desserts

Be grateful for something everyday

See everything as a gift

Be graceful in every sense of the word

So, how am I getting there?

I've got a plan for the dissertation stuff- you read the first post, you know that.

I've got a nike+ and I think it may be time to challenge my bro to some mileage races to get me moving.

I've got the other blog- I know the next couple of weeks will be cheesecake and caramel between other adventures ; ) ... I'll fit in some cooking- I have a stack of recipes I want to tackle (Seafood fra diavlo anyone?)

I'm going to try giving up one animal at a time for the veggie thing. Oso buco sounds so good right now and so do ribs... so, I'll be done with chicken and anything else that flies- done.

Today I'm grateful for my family and friends- they come through in the clutch and they all have their unique talents. Mom took me to a museum on Tuesday to see this amazing exhibit on wedding dresses (no pressure, right?), Ker helped me get the wireless working, Miss sent the cutest pic of Em seen to date, Cup spent last night getting rid of my heinous front hall carpeting and Lau and I had a fabulous visit about a super secret project we're working on and vetched about boys. Quality. On the friend and co-worker front, I told my MS buddy, Risa about my weekly beach day and she kicked it up to a whole 'nother level- we spent yesterday on her "anti-gravity" chairs on her family's private portion of beach and had some of the best ice cream as she too listened to me vetch (I need to work on that).

On the portfolio front- I spent a couple of hours in A-burg this afternoon- helped Seems pack for a conference, got out a delightful book by the chair of linguistics at Cambridge (who I had the great fortune to meet last fall) on time and I finished the first draft of a letter of collaboration that will wind up in the portfolio. I'm stoked to have it done. Now, all that's left for the portfolio are signatures/ revisions on that letter, some sort of methodology section- either a revised version of a past class or stuff from one of the pilots and figuring out where the pilots go on my CV. Good stuff.

Off we go...

A starting point

I don't tend to do things the easy way.  If you've seen my other blog (cake30.blogspot.com), you'd know that sometimes I have to smoke the house out (multiple times) to remember to water bath or stick a baking sheet under what's in the oven.

Everyone likes to complain about what a difficult road it is to do whatever they're trying to accomplish.  I don't know if it's a form of self-masochism or self-gratification... maybe self-justification?  My response when I'm not being disconsolately whiny about my own to-do list is, "if it were easy, everyone would do it." And where would the fun be in that?

So, here's where I stand and what I need to finish- with your help.

1. Portfolio
2. Summer 11 pilot
3. Mods to continue Su 11 into Fall 11
4. Mods on Spring 11 study to start Fall 11
5. Proposal
6. Dissertation

The goal finish date for #5 is December 11 and 1-4 have to come first.
I have a packed schedule, so there's no time to waste on excuses, complaining, regrets, or anyone else's agendas.  I have ridiculously sweet plans each week this summer and on outings this fall, and I want to go into them with the reassurance that I'm above water with this workload.  I'll be updating you on scheduled grad work days (generally Thursdays) and whenever I get something done or need to jot down some thoughts in between.

It's going to be interesting.