all that glitters

Being a godmother has its perks.

Besides the occasional fabulous gift received, I have the task of filling her library with what will become memories when I'm not around.

Being a teacher, a book worm and someone who works for opportunity for everyone, I feel it's my obligation (an obligation that I more than enjoy) to find her something empowering rather than feeding her run of the mill fairy tales and fables.

Stories are portraits... no one pointed this out more painfully than Joyce, but the decisions... the what to include and what light to paint everyone in still leave me stunned. I'm not saying that stories shouldn't reflect right and wrong... but where are the ethics?  Where are the gray areas?  When are kids old enough to read something and be asked to make their own decision on the outcome of it all?

I have this notion of a fairy tale happy ending, but white horses aren't involved. The damsel in distress isn't rescued in the traditional sense and the prince could be the catalyst, but isn't necessarily the savior...

I think a true fairy tale is one in which we save each other or better yet, help each other save ourselves.

gratephul

I had my students make little turkeys out of recycled scraps of orange and yellow card stock and brown construction paper. I do something like it every year... a ten minute arts and crafts project that let's them know that I appreciate that they need a break and I value what they believe in.
This year felt a little different as I looked over them when I stuck up the last few classes on the community wall. Every single kid was grateful for his or her family and most were grateful for food and water and their friends.

I think that maybe the only good thing to come out of these times of economic hardship and a shrinking middle class- we see what's important and what's superfluous.

So, what am I grateful for this year?

1. Students who push me to be a better teacher. They may be difficult or misbehave. They may ask me questions that I don't have an answer to yet. Regardless, they make me want to make my class and the lessons we share memorable.

2. My family. It's nice to have people who want you to be happy and who realize that their version of your perfect future isn't yours and that's ok. I have room to make big decisions and take big risks knowing that no matter what, they're in my cheering section.

3. My colleagues and advisors. The people whom I have the pleasure of working with to make the place I work and the models of education that serve all better.

4. Music. Singing will always be my first love. And we have the great fortune to be living in an age where you can find any amazing song to enjoy so simply.
This song below makes me want to star in a production of The Fantasticks. I think El Gallo should be re-envisioned as a woman's part- and I should play it :)

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5. Food. I can't write symphonies. I can't paint masterpieces... but I can make some delicious things to share with those I love.

6. Finally, impermanence of everything. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it sucks, but sometimes knowing that there's a light at the end of every tunnel makes today a little more bearable... especially when that light comes with a hood and a new prefix.

Hope your Thanksgiving was lovely. Remember to bless the hands (and beaks and udders) that made the food.

What are you thankful for?

LATE FRAGMENT

And did you get what

you wanted from this life, even so?

I did.

And what did you want?

To call myself beloved, to feel myself

beloved on the earth.

Raymond Carver’s epitaph

and that's all that matters

144 words

abstracts are so tricky.

you want to be brief and be brilliant.

you want them to know that you've done your reading...

that you can relate all the obscure concepts in a way that's never been done before...

that your research problem is new and different and so very very very important....

you want them to pick you.

but- you only have 300 words and names for all of those well related and summarized articles count as words... the fantastic way you synthesize things- words too.

people will recommend in both irony and seriousness that you find bigger words, better words

that you shave, abridge, recapitulate…

this is the issue with words.

they aren’t good or bad… they only cut when architected to do so or thrown about so carelessly that they’re re-forged into something stronger.

they’re gorgeous, but imperfect.

the abstract is in. :)

win some, lose some

Coffee is amazing.
I caffeinated today and holy moly.

It wasn't all pretty, but I...

got the draft in
wrote two letters of recommendation
had two productive meetings
did three loads of laundry
went to PT
did a first coat of stain on my wine rack
made some popcorn
and caught up on How I Met Your Mother and Big Bang Theory and my grading

Working on the final draft.
Will update when it's in...
Have a good night!

unmitigated disaster

It is 11:04 on a Saturday and I'm on the couch in my pjs, wrapped in a blanket wondering how and when everything went so terribly wrong.

I'd promised myself, my grad school best friend and both of my advisors a copy of a conference proposal today and it's not done. Know that the only person I'm really letting down is myself, and I feel horrendous.

I can't make things come together. I don't know what to throw out, what to keep and where it all really leads.

I'm afraid of failing... but doing nothing right now... not handing this in, not finishing is failing without ever having the option of succeeding.

I wish I could be more like the little tater-tot below.

She sees an enormous dog and he's not a threat, he's a mystery--a curiosity and a participant in her merriment.

She looks him right in the eye (not to mention has absolutely perfect squat form) and tries to figure out how they're going to play.

So, how am I going to play today? How am I going to engage my research questions and come up with a viable document and let go of the fear it won't be good enough and gracefully accept edits and criticism?

I'm going to look it right in the eye and see how it will serve my goals.

I'll update when it's in.

redefining

Half of getting a good answer (or more importantly good data to analyze for an excellent answer) is having the right question and identifying the right problem.

I'm in Albany for the day, working on my research questions and methodology.

The meeting with the advisors was focusing... and a little kick in the butt.

My only remaining question/ issue today is: What's up with aviators/ birth control glasses being fashionable now? Is the rationale the "ugly bridesmaid dress" theory? The glasses look so bad that it highlights anything redeemable on the individual in question? Does it force the observer to search for the beauty? I ask because aesthetically, all they move is my upchuck reflex... the mind reels.
Back to work. ;-)

drop the 'tude

"Drop the 'tude" has been one of my parents' most commonly used phrases since I hit puberty.

Pessimistic, vocal, and pious have made me a slew of friends over the past decade and a half and have limited me in ways I'm still trying to overcome.

It's easier to be angry than productive.
It's easier to blame than persevere.

I should have two runs in already this week, but they haven't happened and tonight, I'm on the couch after class, wanting nothing more than to watch a Muppet movie and eat some popcorn.
How am I going to run a 5k in 6 weeks and two days when I don't know if I'll make it a half a mile?

Poop.

Taking deep breaths.

I took it on. It's no one else's fault that I decided to do this all at once. I need to stop whining and handle it.
No one's handing out medals at the finish line. No one needs to hear excuses.

I just need to remember how good it feels when I finish something.
I need to be grateful that I'm cleared to run again.
I need to be grateful that I have people in my cheering section.

Met with my advisors yesterday.

More on that delightfulness this weekend.