one year and 19 hours

Try to look at things positively.

The Marine Corp Marathon is tomorrow.  I had to defer until next year.
People who know me well think this is funny. I've never been a runner. I've never enjoyed it.
I started running last winter, registering for this race and two others in February.
What happened?
I was slow and I was in pain. A slipped disc and hip issue stopped me in my tracks. I was sidelined completely from running, having to miss both the Boilermaker and the MCM.
Physical therapy and training commenced and I'm happy to say I'm cleared to run, but only a half a mile at a time right now.

I'm learning protocol and expectations for something new at work... the issues getting in the way are other people's expectations and politics. These include my own expectations... I want perfect. I don't mean to be a perfectionist, but I have a firm belief that people deserve the best of me and the best from me and that's not what everyone's getting right now.
I don't like settling, but right now, I need to do the best I can and be happy with that.

I have a meeting with both of my advisors tomorrow and haven't sent a document for us to cover yet. I'm freaking out that I'm not pushing myself with this, but I'm stuck. The project I want to start is massive and I don't want to muck it up. Ugggh. What am I going to do?

So, how are we going to get from here to there?

Follow the PT and trainers instructions. Push, but learn the difference between pain and sore. Watch what goes in my mouth as well as what comes out of it.
Do the best I can with the work stuff and the grad school stuff.
If it takes a little longer because of how full my plate is, so be it. The world isn't going to end and the people who matter won't think any worse of me for it. Stop being concerned with the bull and with people who are vicious and ridiculous. Strive for transparency.

Deep breaths... let's get some work done.

sublimation

Sublimation is the channeling or transforming of impulses into something more constructive.

love and fear

I have someone who is taking advantage of me.
He's taking advantage of the fact that I really liked him and that everyone was trying to hook us up and that I still feel a need for him to understand and approve of me.
He's taking advantage of my position and connections and thinks he has an in.
He's taking advantage of the fact that I don't want to be vulnerable and that I'm afraid of what other people think of me.

He doesn't give a lick about me and it hurts.

Hurt is inevitable. Whether it's now or in months when I'm even more angry with myself about wasting time letting this person diminish me. I'm not saying that he's a bad person. I'm just saying that I don't have to live with this feeling stabbing at my chest wall and that the sooner I release ties and move on, the sooner it will change.

I told my father today how much I'd love to live on a deserted island. Not to hear the quips in the faculty room, not to read the vicious arguments based on semantic drivel on my doctoral forum. His response was, "you'd pick fights with the monkeys."

I laughed, but it was true. I find a way to let fear take over and grasp onto the faults to give reasons why I can't be successful rather than doing what I love. I focus on that which I cannot change, that which I feel a victim of, the injustices and the irritations.

"You cannot love and fear at the same time. These two states of being cannot live in the same space. You have to let go of one or the other." Renee Oglesbee from tinybuddha.com

This was another great article on Love and Fear

Will update soon on my proposal!

in the wake

The high of handing it in was promptly squashed. It was a pretty rapid and serious come down- one of my committee couldn't open anything and I had to frantically put something else important on hold to take care of it. That mini panic attack spent the week percolating with questions starting with the clause: "Why didn't I..." swelling into the grand mal panic attack that erupted today.

I had someone point out to me that I don't seem happy.
I'm not.
Happiness is a habit of mind and I haven't figured out how to convince myself that I can accomplish all of the crazy things I've set out to do and that I can enjoy the hell out of most of the process.

Em getting ready to be T-I- Double Ga- Er

I see a face like this and all is right in the world.
It's remembering not to reach. Just to stay.

My to do list has shifted: all hands are on deck for a project proposal/ redo of IRB forms for that pilot that I originally thought I would have time for. Meeting with both advisors (a first!) on November 2nd and an abstract due to a cool sounding conference in Turkey.

Sign me up!

buoyant

Done. Done. Done. Done. Done. Done.

The portfolio is complete and has been sent to the first two members of my committee.
I feel like a different person. I'm half between tears and calling everyone I know. It's a strange excitement: Calm and unencumbered. Suddenly the laundry, the dishes, the grading and getting to bed by eleven all seem mutually attainable.
It was 17 days off of our latest schedule, but I'm so happy to have it completed that I don't even care.
I'm hoping for a full out pass, but I have to remember that revisions won't be the end of the world.
To celebrate I'm going to do the aforementioned chores and paint my nails with my present to myself for finishing: OPI malaga wine.
It's the little things I get to do that make the big things seem so worth it.

On the docket and tentative revised schedule:

Chapter 3 edit                           by 10/14
Pooled Lit reviews                  
(Scissors optional)                     by 10/21
Cohesive lit review                    Halloween
Tie up pilot loose ends              by 11/4
Theoretical Framework             Veteran's Day
Introduction and out
for comments                             by Thanksgiving

"In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure." Bill Cosby

Wish me luck.