fear of flying/ falling

Am I really afraid of failure or of success?

I just did a review thing for grad school. It's one of those things that you aren't sure if it's a big deal or not, but you have an impact on something that's going on in someone's career right now. It's a stressful, horrible feeling for three reasons:
1, you don't want to sound stupid
2, you don't want to screw them over, but at the same time, you want to do what you should
3, you look at some of their mistakes and think "I could have done better than that"

It's one and three that are causing me anxiety now.  Number 3 because, why haven't I yet? and then you realize that number 1 is part of the reason.

I don't like being scared.
I don't like being a novice at things and my dalliance into three new things that scare me this year is more or less exploding in all sorts of ridiculous ways.
I'm trying to get comfortable with sticky situations and to get through gracephully. I'm barely getting through breathing.

I'm only making one New Year's resolution this year. It's going to have something to do with finishing what I start without complaining. I'll let you know how I wind up wording it...

the frivolity and the focus

The house is a wreck right now. Dishes are all cleaned... there are just far too many sitting in the strainer right now. I only have half a dozen small presents left to buy, but nothing is wrapped yet. The nails are up over the French doors, but I haven't hung the garlands.

I've spent all of my free time this weekend (when I wasn't baking with my mother or at "obligations") on my computer, watching trailers of funny movies, old sit-coms (Lucy, anyone?) and comedy shows.  All I figured out was a handful of things.

1, the house really does fall apart when you don't keep up on it.  Pretty much every empty surface (with the exception of chairs and my bed) is currently covered with paperwork to do, books to read, presents to wrap and things to file.

2, Holiday cards don't write themselves.  I think they'll be coming a little late this year.  Hope no one minds.

3, I am absolutely no closer to done with this proposal than I was a month ago.  I have decisions to make, but I feel underprepared to make them.  One advisor gave me more work to do... the other is looking for answers and I've got none yet.

4, Work obligations based on other peoples' massive eff-ups are really the worst. Getting 2 things straightened out for work is costing me far too much in time and there is no outlet for the absolute rage I feel towards the people who screwed this up.

I want to go to bed... but I'm trying to keep a little focus to get something done tonight.

Truth of the matter is that there is very little that matters. If the inside doesn't get decorated, so be it.  None of the holidays are planned here and if people stop, I have an ironclad excuse. I will get the proposal done... it's just not going to work on the schedules I've set out and as long as I keep an open line of communication with my advisors, it should be ok.

The important thing- my heart will be in town on Thursday. Two and a half feet tall and can't even say "Aunt Mart" yet... but knowing that she's on her way makes everything brighter, sweeter and softer. I'd like to believe that as long as my heart is in the right place, everything else will come together.

respirations

I've always thought it was so neat how much you can tell about a person without even having to speak to them. Bitten nails from nervousness, crow's feet from laughing at every opportunity, his or her countenance... it's fascinating. Breaths and heart-beats are tell-tale as well. Our breath catches in surprise or delight, we hyperventilate out of stress, our breaths are jagged when we're scared and we take a deep breath to calm ourselves.

I'm finally breathing again... no, the proposal for my dissertation isn't finished yet.

but... my portfolio passed!

and I finally feel like I can breathe again.