Too easily

I let someone off the hook. I let them go, I let it slide, I didn't make him explain himself. My big, big push right now has to do with the people in my life possessing a pair. Did I really let him off easily knowing that he's a coward and did something that was absolutely ridiculous? Or did I let myself off the hook by cutting out someone who was potentially toxic? I consider my pair in tact because I didn't chase after. I didn't beg. I stated my case a few days ago, I was placated and then ignored and now I have this open space that I'd kept for him. I'm going to fill it with things that make me feel amazing. I'm meeting with my advisor once a week now with the exception of AERA week. I'm working out my practicum for Bellyfit and I have some lovely little bachelors knocking on the door- who will give me what I need and ask for or be thrown back in.
Enjoying this gorgeous weather and breathing through the stress. ;)

Frustration

Focus is eluding me.
It sinks for hours into warm baths promising when the fingers are just pruny enough it will return, but it doesn't.
It checks in on Facebook and twitter a dozen times, looking for obscure posts, for signs. Not realizing that synchronicity doesn't just happen- it needs a first step to play partner to.
It looks at old emails and text messages and mourns a past you were never actually married to. It asks you the most ridiculous questions about chance and fate and what if.
It makes these illustrious plans. It gets you all keyed up to do something marvelous, to challenge yourself and meet the uncommon success that only the most faithful or foolish believe you capable of and then, it decides to put it all on hold and engage you in the best game of hide and seek you've ever been tagged into. My focus has been known to take long walks outside and get lost in the gorgeousness of spring and the neat old buildings she still doesn't know after all these years. Sometimes she'll go out for cocktails and lip slut with younger men. If you're out and about and you happen to bump into her, could you tell her that we have a degree to finish?
Thanks.

Jumbled

Figuring out an analytical framework, actual work work, dates and plans all weekend, feeding myself, workouts, getting the outside company ready and at some point doing floors and vacuuming... I feel cramped. I feel jumbled. I'm trying to find a single thread to follow to get one if these things off of my plate or mind just for now, but I feel like an overflowing sink with a broken handle. Not complaining, just needing to think out loud somewhere.

Rescind...

Had one of those conversations with someone tonight where I had to take back all of the nice things I'd ever said or ever thought of them. I'm surprisingly glad that I thought them at the time. Normally I castigate myself for them. How did I ever think this was a good idea? How did I ever think happy could look like this? Or that I deserved for it to work out?

It was one of those times where a few simple flicks of the tongue and it was like the past before didn't matter at all.
I don't mind these things. Letting go is becoming my new hobby.

I'm just ready for a doors blown open conversation that's letting the spring air and sunshine in instead of vitriol and garbage.

In grad news, did some initial sampling for the discourse analysis.

And in personal fitness news, I'm crapping myself about this Bellyfit training this weekend. I've been reminded yet again that I took on too much and told to reschedule, but I won't. Wish me well.