I think that Audrey Hepburn films have so much to teach us about ourselves... Breakfast at Tiffany's contains some of my favorite quotes and ideas in the world:
1. Moon River. One of the most amazing songs ever, both despite and because of it's limited tonalities/ range.
2. The cat named Cat. Holly and Cat don't belong to each other. She figures one day when she finds where she belongs she'll buy some furniture and name the cat.
3. The mean reds. It's when you're afraid, but you can't pick out exactly what you're afraid of.
I've got a bad case of the mean reds right now... but I think I know what I'm afraid of and it just feels so irrational. I'm afraid that my best won't be good enough, so I don't want to even try. I'm afraid that someone might reject me, so I'm giving them other reasons so that I have excuses and I can fault them or something superficial about myself. It's easier to think that someone is shallow or an ass than that you simply aren't right for each other. It's easier to hold people at arm's length with the excuse that I have work to finish or that this is my temporary home--I have a doctorate, some novels and a couple of other countries to call my own before I expire. I'm afraid of what I'll want when I have everything that I want. I'm afraid that I will regret the things I passed up here. I'm afraid of what I'll have to give up and what I'll have to gain on the path. Inertia doesn't suit me. I feel this awful vacancy... this reaching urgency in the pit of my gut and I need something so desperately to fill it. I need to get over this hump and move on with my life.
Come on chapter 3.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Friday, March 16, 2012
the shape of things
I haven't posted in months... stuck isn't really a fun place to be and it's an even worse place to share. I've spent four months stuck on this proposal. Four months. I've had a lot on my plate and a lot of road blocks. I took on extra projects at work and found out that I didn't get into a conference I'd both really wanted to present at and was very scared of getting into and traveling to. On a good note, I've also made some headway with cycling and I'm finally able to attempt to run again.
The stuck changed this week. I was confronted by something that worried the crap out of me. I had the potential to make an ass out of myself in a very public forum on multiple occasions. I was having a huge panic attack about it, when someone brought up the very valid point of "so what?"He didn't really put that nicely and at first I was angry and argued about how stupid I'd look if x, y or z happened. "IF" seems like an innocuous little word- it's not. We build up these horrendous situations, probable or not that paralyze us. We stop moving and stop doing the work that we either need or want to do and we wind up letting fear work us over... when we finally snap out of it, months have passed and life has gone on... it will do that, whether or not we're participating in it.
He had a lovely response to my pretend situations- that I knew my $h#t and I'd be fine. He was right, but the kicker still was that "so what?"At first I thought that he was being demeaning. This was important, and not just to me, but then I shifted how I perceived his message: I would do it either way and worrying wouldn't make it any better... the only thing it was accomplishing was making me miserable.
We put things, activities, priorities on pedestals. We make them so important that their shapes waver from something logical, tangible and desirable to something completely unobtainable and insurmountable. We want to be perfect at them and when we can't we beat ourselves up or just don't bother and so that pedestal rises- it goes from step stool to Everest. We panic. It's tiring. This whole cycle of panicking, wanting perfect, not being able to deliver and then feeling bitter.
Instead of focusing on what I can't do and how bad things could go, I've decided to focus on how good can I make it. The fact is we can fail at anything... but we can also be amazing at anything.
We can be so successful, but we can really only have our cake and eat it too if we're present while we're doing it- that means smelling the flowers instead of rushing past to the next appointment. There will always be another project and if we're confident that we can finish it and do a great job, we should be able to enjoy the right now without panicking about how we're going to ever get from point a to c, or worse yet, how we're not going to get there.
So, on the happy note, I just have a few changes to make to my chapter's one and two and some work to do on chapter three and I'll be ready to submit my first draft- woo!
The stuck changed this week. I was confronted by something that worried the crap out of me. I had the potential to make an ass out of myself in a very public forum on multiple occasions. I was having a huge panic attack about it, when someone brought up the very valid point of "so what?"He didn't really put that nicely and at first I was angry and argued about how stupid I'd look if x, y or z happened. "IF" seems like an innocuous little word- it's not. We build up these horrendous situations, probable or not that paralyze us. We stop moving and stop doing the work that we either need or want to do and we wind up letting fear work us over... when we finally snap out of it, months have passed and life has gone on... it will do that, whether or not we're participating in it.
He had a lovely response to my pretend situations- that I knew my $h#t and I'd be fine. He was right, but the kicker still was that "so what?"At first I thought that he was being demeaning. This was important, and not just to me, but then I shifted how I perceived his message: I would do it either way and worrying wouldn't make it any better... the only thing it was accomplishing was making me miserable.
We put things, activities, priorities on pedestals. We make them so important that their shapes waver from something logical, tangible and desirable to something completely unobtainable and insurmountable. We want to be perfect at them and when we can't we beat ourselves up or just don't bother and so that pedestal rises- it goes from step stool to Everest. We panic. It's tiring. This whole cycle of panicking, wanting perfect, not being able to deliver and then feeling bitter.
Instead of focusing on what I can't do and how bad things could go, I've decided to focus on how good can I make it. The fact is we can fail at anything... but we can also be amazing at anything.
We can be so successful, but we can really only have our cake and eat it too if we're present while we're doing it- that means smelling the flowers instead of rushing past to the next appointment. There will always be another project and if we're confident that we can finish it and do a great job, we should be able to enjoy the right now without panicking about how we're going to ever get from point a to c, or worse yet, how we're not going to get there.
So, on the happy note, I just have a few changes to make to my chapter's one and two and some work to do on chapter three and I'll be ready to submit my first draft- woo!
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