The Mean Reds

I think that Audrey Hepburn films have so much to teach us about ourselves... Breakfast at Tiffany's contains some of my favorite quotes and ideas in the world:

1. Moon River. One of the most amazing songs ever, both despite and because of it's limited tonalities/ range.

2. The cat named Cat. Holly and Cat don't belong to each other. She figures one day when she finds where she belongs she'll buy some furniture and name the cat.

3. The mean reds. It's when you're afraid, but you can't pick out exactly what you're afraid of.

I've got a bad case of the mean reds right now... but I think I know what I'm afraid of and it just feels so irrational. I'm afraid that my best won't be good enough, so I don't want to even try. I'm afraid that someone might reject me, so I'm giving them other reasons so that I have excuses and I can fault them or something superficial about myself. It's easier to think that someone is shallow or an ass than that you simply aren't right for each other. It's easier to hold people at arm's length with the excuse that I have work to finish or that this is my temporary home--I have a doctorate, some novels and a couple of other countries to call my own before I expire. I'm afraid of what I'll want when I have everything that I want. I'm afraid that I will regret the things I passed up here. I'm afraid of what I'll have to give up and what I'll have to gain on the path. Inertia doesn't suit me. I feel this awful vacancy... this reaching urgency in the pit of my gut and I need something so desperately to fill it. I need to get over this hump and move on with my life.

Come on chapter 3.