love and fear

I have someone who is taking advantage of me.
He's taking advantage of the fact that I really liked him and that everyone was trying to hook us up and that I still feel a need for him to understand and approve of me.
He's taking advantage of my position and connections and thinks he has an in.
He's taking advantage of the fact that I don't want to be vulnerable and that I'm afraid of what other people think of me.

He doesn't give a lick about me and it hurts.

Hurt is inevitable. Whether it's now or in months when I'm even more angry with myself about wasting time letting this person diminish me. I'm not saying that he's a bad person. I'm just saying that I don't have to live with this feeling stabbing at my chest wall and that the sooner I release ties and move on, the sooner it will change.

I told my father today how much I'd love to live on a deserted island. Not to hear the quips in the faculty room, not to read the vicious arguments based on semantic drivel on my doctoral forum. His response was, "you'd pick fights with the monkeys."

I laughed, but it was true. I find a way to let fear take over and grasp onto the faults to give reasons why I can't be successful rather than doing what I love. I focus on that which I cannot change, that which I feel a victim of, the injustices and the irritations.

"You cannot love and fear at the same time. These two states of being cannot live in the same space. You have to let go of one or the other." Renee Oglesbee from tinybuddha.com

This was another great article on Love and Fear

Will update soon on my proposal!