I fall in love with ideas and people far too quickly without ever knowing what the next logical step looks like or exactly what moves will get me to the fairy tale ending. Granted half the time I don't necessarily know what that ending entails either. Enthusiasm infests me in the way apathy affects others.
I have to rein myself in a lot of the time and remember to take forward steps because the things that I want haunt my dreams and they are the big kinds of things. I've never been accused of being normal, but I've been accused of being nuts on occasion.
I'm trying to keep myself in check currently in three areas of my life. Professionally, I'm baby stepping into a better draft of my literature review and dotting 'i's and crossing 't's on research paperwork. It's a very difficult task for me because this is the first time the stakes have been so high and I'm super sensitive to criticism regardless of wording. It's also difficult to draft something concise and cohesive when the studies done have been divergent and the theories don't play well together.
Healthwise, I'm keeping close tabs on everything going in my mouth and doing yoga everyday. I had a bingy blurp yesterday, but otherwise I'm keeping it in check and knowing that food isn't going to take care of any anxiety or stress I feel in any other area of my life.
Personally is far more difficult for me. I'm trying to keep my expectations and emotions in check with someone I really really adore. This person and I did a decent job of hurting each other through a misunderstanding over a month ago, so I'm treading carefully to protect myself and keep me from becoming too attached too quickly. I don't actually have him saved as a contact. I delete all the messages we exchange everyday. I try to focus on everything else that is important in my life. I don't know how worthwhile any of these protective protocols are though. I can't erase memories. Seeing him for the first time. How nervous I was for our first kiss. The way his hands felt on my waist as I bent down to pick something up the other night. His quirks, stories and jokes.
The first time I saw him he was standing nervously outside of the bar we were meeting at, hands in his pockets and keeping a look out for me. He looked anxious, but more than that... He was hopeful, expectant. I was in my car and when I saw him, I couldn't conceal the smile on my face. It was coming from my toes, my belly, my chest, my fingers and brain. We made eye contact and I just smiled the way you smile at someone who is becoming someone you simply want to be with. I like the way I feel in that memory. I like the way I feel when I'm near him. I like being told I'm beautiful and being doted upon while I'm sleepy.
It also scares the crap out of me. Relationships and I don't have an amiable past and I made sort of a deal with myself late this past winter that I would keep ice water in my veins and simply enjoy company without cultivating anything. It worked a little, but it wasn't counting on meeting some of the amazing men I met. The others became fantastic fodder for drinks with girlfriends or forgotten. Unfortunately, I didn't make the appropriate sacrifices to the goddesses/ gods of relationships and things fell apart.
I guess I'm ready for the big one. The one that can be it and if it isn't it is going to hurt like hell. I'm ready to put skin in. I'm ready to have the 'if' talks. We've had a couple over the past week and it's been completely telling about our differences in personalities. The planner in him is having a really hard time with my nebulous future. The comedienne in me wants to make hilariously glib comments about getting way ahead of ourselves, but is secretly thrilled that he's thinking this way. It's strange, for being such an anti planner how much I don't like the feeling of groundlessness relationships give me... I think it's because I can trust myself to take care of my own stuff and my own best interests, but it's really hard for me to trust someone else with the responsibility of keeping me safe and whole.
Scared, but not running away.
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