The crazy part of this post is that I came up with the title in July to cover how I felt stuck and how I felt overwhelmed with all of the things that were expected of me that I 1, didn't think I could accomplish and 2, didn't want turfed upon me.
How much things change and how much they ironically remain the same.
I'm writing this nugget from Barnes and Noble this rainy evening. Prepared to spend now until close or hunger force me out making edits and watching incredibly awkward people make incredibly small talk.
I submitted my "preliminary" draft. It was in my advisors' hands for a couple of weeks. A couple of long and torturous weeks when the demons of self-doubt reigned in my head. I knew that I'd have to do edits and I'd have things to reconsider. What I never realized was that they would come completely in line with everything else that was going wrong or right in my life. I don't seem sure of what I want to do- I plucked that directly out of one of my advisors' emails. I haven't found my argument yet- that was what the other one said. So, so, so, so true and so mind boggling. I've spent so much of my life feathering my safety net. I've spent it running to the least evil or doing what I thought I should. What do I want to do? What is my argument?
Humor is about pleasure. Sometimes it's inappropriate. Sometimes it pushes and pulls at things in us that we would rather keep guarded... sometimes it makes us look at the world a little cockeyed or upside down. But what it does is transformative through its intrinsic nature. It's entailed upon a delicious sensation... and no wonder I've been stuck: I've been so focused on not being able to get through the process and making plan b's that I haven't sought out and tasted the good stuff. So, here in this bookstore- with this awkward conversation and asthmatic indie music and horrible lighting. The good stuff is on the shelves and sliding from my brain through my fingertips and into this 2nd proposal draft.
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