Blinking

I'm so upset.
I had a wonderful night filled with compliments and laughs. And then I have someone who treats me like I don't matter... It's like nothing wasn't the bottom of the food chain- there was a less than nothing and that's where he'd regard me if he were thinking of me enough to place me at all.
It's exhausting, this feeling and it doesn't just come from him either. There are so many people in my life right now who just drain and drain and take and take and I really can't deal with them anymore.
One of my beautiful Spaniards noted of me that I seemed very closed off... Is it any wonder? When this is how I feel when I open myself up. It hurts. And it's a continual hurt and dejection that I don't have the grace to forebear silently and I don't have the blinking capacity to hold back the tears.

I'm tired of coming in last. I'm tired of being the after thought or the consolation prize. I'm so sick of being the supporting cast in my own life.

I don't know what it is that I send out or how it is that I act... but it ends now. If someone can't treat me well, then I'm not bothering with them at all. Chide me for looking for greener pastures, but I'm not settling. I'd rather be lonely than feel like this.